Learning to be more assertive

Being assertive is a way of respecting your rights. Learning how to pay attention to how you feel without being inconsiderate of other people's feelings is a skill that you can learn, practise, and use when you choose. 

The benefits of assertiveness

The goal of being assertive is fairness. You stand up for your rights without violating another person's rights. You consider other people's needs without letting their needs overwhelm your own.

Finding this balance can help you to: 

• feel better about yourself, rather than feeling frustrated or powerless
• develop stronger relationships that can navigate conflict
• communicate clearly and honestly
• make your values known 
• set a good example, especially for your children
• avoid building up anger or resentment

Assertiveness is not aggressiveness

Being assertive does not mean hurting someone else's feelings, dominating a conversation, or infringing on someone else's rights in the process of standing up for your own.

Here are some examples of the difference between assertive and aggressive: 

• Aggressive: "You never make dinner. Make your own dinner for once."

• Assertive: "I’d appreciate it if we could balance out the dinner prep a little more.”

• Aggressive: "You always let me down when I'm counting on you."

• Assertive: "I'm disappointed because I was counting on getting your help with this project."

It can be especially difficult to stay focused if you hear an aggressive response from another person. Being assertive doesn't guarantee that you'll receive fair treatment in return, but it can help you address issues before a conflict happens. 

Techniques for getting started

Choose something from your list or something that's been bothering you and try writing down the conversation you imagine having about it. Or talk to a mirror, a voice recording app, or yourself. Eventually, you may feel that you can rehearse a conversation with someone you trust playing the role of your boss or your partner. Keep these tips in mind: 

Pay attention to body language. Stand or sit so that you can speak directly to the person. Make regular eye contact at intervals that feel comfortable to you. Try not to lean forward aggressively or pull back in retreat.

Control the volume and tone of your voice. Speak clearly and firmly without becoming irritated, angry, or loud.

Listen. Let the other person speak without interrupting, and if necessary, ask them for the same courtesy.

Stay focused. If the other person strays from the topic, you need to pull the conversation back to what you need or want. You may have to repeat what you want, so try to be mindful of your tone and volume if you do this. 

Communicating assertively

When you communicate assertively, you aren't trying to win a battle. Your goal is to express your views without giving the impression that you are looking for a fight, trying to "defeat" another person, or dismissing their views. 

Here are some ways to communicate assertively: 

Validate the other person's feelings. For example, you could say, "I understand that you feel very strongly about this." You can understand and see someone’s perspective without taking it on as your own. Understanding where they are coming from can be separate from agreeing with someone. 

Make "I" statements. "I" messages make a point without appearing to blame or attack someone else. They focus on how you feel about something—on the problem, not the person—and why. You don't call the person by name or use the word "you," unless necessary. This lets them know that you would have the same feeling no matter whose behaviour brought about the situation. "I" messages are less likely to trigger defensive responses than "you" statements. They open the door to two-way communication, and sometimes an apology.

You can use this three-part formula for "I" messages:

When ________ (provide an objective description of the situation or behaviour without referring to the person by name or pronoun), I feel ________ (state your feeling) because ________ (state why you feel that way about the behaviour again without using names or pronouns). Here are some examples: 

• "When we go to family gatherings and it gets crowded and noisy, I get tense because it feels cramped and it's hard to have a good conversation with anyone."
• "When I'm interrupted in mid-sentence, I get frustrated. I don't have a chance to finish my thought."
• "When I wore these boots for the first time, they leaked. I'm disappointed in them. I expected better quality, given what I paid for them."

Say what you want or expect. If you sense that the person you are speaking to may genuinely be at a loss as to what they could have done differently, be clear about what you want or what you expect to happen at that moment or in the future. Avoid asking questions to which the answer could be "no." For example, "Would you be so kind as to . . . ?" or "How about . . . ?" For instance, you could say:

• "I want to finish my sentence before you start yours."
• "I'd like a full refund for these boots."

It's easy to postpone—or forget—what you want when you are trying to meet the needs and demands of other people at work and at home. You may have to remind yourself that you have the right to decide what you need, to express yourself, or to say no, just like anybody else.

Give yourself time to change a habit

Once you feel ready to try these techniques, start where you feel most comfortable. For instance, you may want to choose an easy topic, even writing down what you want to say, and then practise saying "I" statements with a trusted friend.

If you decide to try being assertive with a friend, relative, or your partner, tell them what you're doing. Explain that you are trying to say more clearly how you feel. 

This way of speaking will probably sound awkward at first, and you won't get it right all the time. In some cases, you may want to go back to the person and try again, explaining to them that you weren't happy about the outcome of the first conversation or that you are sorry you got angry. Remember that you can control only what you say or do and not the other person's response. It won't always work as planned. 

As you learn this new "language," you will become more accustomed to using it. You may find that under stress you revert back to your former use of more passive language or behaviours. When this happens, forgive yourself (and ask for forgiveness from the other person if you need to) and make an effort to use your new language and behaviour the next time around. 

Learning more

The techniques described here will help you get started, but you may want to learn more. There are many excellent books and websites that offer techniques, exercises, and examples of language you can use in various situations. 

Many organizations offer assertiveness-training classes or workshops. You may find courses through local universities, adult education programs, religious groups, or online. You can find specialized classes such as those designed for women, for business settings, or for improving communication in families.