Managing grief: tips for you and your children

Loss is a part of life. Whether it’s a death or a devastating diagnosis, difficult situations test us all. The way we experience grief and cope with a loss is different from person to person. But regardless of the response, a loss can make even the most resilient individuals feel like their world is spiralling out of control.

Although there is no quick fix to help you recover and bounce back, there are ways to deal with the impact of a challenging life event to help you come to terms with your new reality:

Take the time. After a loss, people may not anticipate how long it will take to return to "normal." Respect the need for personal healing time; this is not a step-by-step process, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Take things one day at a time and slowly transition back into your daily routine.

Find support. At first, you may find it easier to retreat and hide than to lean on others. When you are ready, reach out to friends and family. Getting help organizing the details of a funeral or recruiting a friend to babysit so you have time to collect your thoughts can be helpful. Friends and family are usually eager to help but struggle with what to do and when, so don’t hesitate to ask. Also, consider joining a support group to connect with others who have dealt with similar situations.

Care for yourself. Be sure to take some time to focus on yourself and try to meet your own needs. When others may need your support, it can feel wrong to do self-care, but it can be a useful tool to help you relax and release all that pent-up tension. Take some time out for yourself by getting a massage, walking in nature, or even taking a relaxing hot bath.

Lean on friends. Make time to spend with close friends who can be that ear you need to vent your grief, fear, and anxiety caused by your distressing news. Your shared experiences with good friends can also have a way of making you smile or laugh, even on the darkest of days.

Take care. Coping with grief can take a serious physical toll. Look after your body by getting rest, eating a healthy diet, and staying active. Mind and body are connected; if your body feels good, your mind will be more likely to feel the same.

Write it down. After a loss, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what you’re feeling. You may experience several feelings simultaneously, including those that contradict one another, like sorrow one moment and relief the next. Writing down your thoughts may help you express yourself and come to terms with what you are going through. Try to write exactly what’s on your mind without holding back.

Seek professional help. If your grief has become overwhelming, consider connecting with a mental health professional. Signs that it’s time for professional support may include prolonged eating or sleeping problems, trouble completing daily activities, severe anxiety, depression, or feelings of worthlessness. While it can seem daunting to reach out to a “stranger,” a professional can provide the sounding board, insights, and tools you need to move beyond the pain and forward with your life.

Helping kids cope

It is a real challenge to grapple with your own emotions while trying to comfort children and understand their concerns. This is especially important after the loss of a loved one. Children go through a grieving process but often express it differently than adults. If your child isn’t specifically talking about their grief with you, they may be expressing feelings of loss and grief if you start to notice:

• stomachaches or headaches
• sleeping problems and nightmares
• appetite issues
• problems at school
• irritability, anger, or aggression
• temper tantrums
• clinginess
• regressing to younger behaviour or trying to act older

If you’re worried about how your child is coping, support from a professional can help you work with your child to understand and accept their own feelings and find healthier ways to cope.

What you can do

How you help your children work through this loss will depend on their age and life stage. It is also impacted by their development, background, and past experiences with grief. Generally, you should try to:

Be open. Many parents try to protect their kids by leaving them in the dark. While it is understandable not to want your child to be upset, this may make it more difficult for them to process the loss and can cause problems down the road. Children need to know what’s happening, even if they don’t ask—just make sure the information you share is age-appropriate. Find out what they think and feel about the situation, listen carefully to what they have to say, and openly and honestly answer any questions they may have.

Be a role model. Share your own grief with your kids and let them know that it’s OK to be sad or scared. If you are open with your feelings, they may be more open with you. At the same time, try to remain in control so they feel safe and supported.

Help them relate. Children’s stories, television shows, and movies can touch on themes related to your situation. Although it may not be helpful to rely on these methods alone, they can be a great way to encourage conversation. Attending the memorial service of a loved one who has died or pointing out families who have gone through similar situations can help your children understand and come to terms with their own loss.

Stick to a routine. For kids especially, major changes to routines and schedules can breed uncertainty and anxiety. Try to keep the family’s regular living habits as normal as you can, even while coping with the challenges of grief.

Growing up is an ongoing process of change. The support children receive in difficult situations is pivotal and can be a defining moment in their lives. One that, with your loving support, can help them better cope with life’s inevitable changes—both good and bad.

Moving forward

Grief and loss caused by the death of a loved one, illness, or another devastating situation can have a huge impact on your mental and physical wellbeing. Your personal experience with grief is unique, and so is how you choose to cope. Some of the suggestions in this article will work better than others for you, so do what feels right for you and your family. While it can take time, energy, and personal struggle, coming to terms with your emotions is possible.