Good communication is essential to a strong relationship. It helps couples share their joys and sorrows, understand each other’s thoughts and feelings, and work together to solve problems. It’s a critical skill for all couples.
There are two main keys to communicating well as a couple: careful listening and making time to talk to one another, no matter how busy you are.
Tips on communicating as a couple
Poor communication is a common complaint of couples who split up, and it can make life much more difficult for those who stay together.
“Numerous studies have identified communication (or a lack thereof) as one of the top reasons for couples therapy, as well as one of the top reasons for break-up and divorce.”
—Psychology Today, Top 10 Reasons Relationships Fail
Make time to talk to each other. Try to spend time each day talking to each other—over a meal, after work, or before bed. Some busy couples mark time to talk in their calendars. One study found that talking for as little as 15 minutes a day can help maintain a strong relationship. (Couples who split up spend an average of four minutes a day or less in conversation.) When you’re apart, stay connected through phone calls, texts, and other forms of technology.
Share your thoughts and feelings. After you’ve been together a while, you and your partner may fall into a communication rut. You may seem to talk only about things like what to have for dinner or what to watch on TV. If this happens, make an extra effort to talk about the things that matter most to you—the things you can’t share as well with anyone else. Or try taking normal conversations a step further. Talk about what you think about a story in the news, a good book you’re reading, or how your manager makes you feel.
Listen carefully. Give each other your full attention, and don’t interrupt. When discussing something important, turn off distractions and interruptions, such as your phone, TV, or email alerts.
Show that you understand what you’ve heard. Make it clear that you’ve heard what your partner said. You can do this by reflecting back what you’ve heard through phrases such as, “So what you’re saying is...” or “I want to make sure I understand you. You feel that....” This shows your partner that you are truly listening. Don’t give advice or try to solve problems unless you are asked.
Offer frequent praise, support, and encouragement. Studies have shown that couples who stay together make many more positive comments to each other than negative ones. You could try to find something to praise every day, even if you’ve said similar things before. Your praise can be as simple as, “That was a fantastic dinner! Thanks so much for making it,” or “You were so patient with the kids tonight.” Compliments and acknowledgment of your partner’s positive qualities go a long way. Think of it as building “love capital.” If you offer support regularly, your words are less likely to meet with resistance when you do have to talk about difficult subjects.
Send each other supportive and loving messages and notes. “I love you.” “I miss you.” “Good luck with your presentation today!”
Technology can help couples manage their conflicts more effectively, communicate more effectively, and feel closer to one another. Psychology Today
Watch your body language. A big part of communication comes from your gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice. You can send positive messages by doing things like looking your partner in the eye, giving hugs, kisses, and gentle strokes. You’ll send negative messages if you engage in behaviours such as eye-rolling, finger-pointing, or walking away when your partner is speaking.
Talking about difficult subjects
At some point, every couple needs to talk about a difficult or painful subject. These tips can make the conversation easier.
Have the conversation at a time when you're not stressed. Avoid bringing up a sensitive issue when either of you is tired, hungry, or pressed for time. You’ll also want to avoid discussing certain issues when children might overhear you.
Try to keep your sense of humour. Studies show that couples with strong relationships use a lot of humour. Studies show that humour helps us de-stress. Do things that will make both of you smile when tensions arise.
Stick to one difficult subject at a time. Raising numerous sensitive issues in the same conversation can leave the other person feeling confused and defensive. Work out what concerns you most and talk about that first. Stay on topic and save other important matters for a later talk.
Make “I” statements. Be specific about how you feel instead of making sweeping generalisations. Avoid phrases that tend to put people on the defensive, such as “You never...” or “You always...” or “You’re so....” Instead, focus on expressing your own feelings with more neutral comments, such as “I feel...” or “I’m concerned that...” or “I’m worried that...”
Talk about the issue, not who’s “right” or “wrong.” Focus on finding a solution instead of assigning blame. If you’re unhappy that the living room always looks messy, you could say, “Let’s find a way to make this space more comfortable for everyone.”
Acknowledge the other person’s view. This shows that you’re listening even if you don’t agree. Sometimes you can do this by nodding or making a comment such as, “I agree,” “I understand,” or “I can hear how frustrated you feel.”
Don’t interrupt. It’s not OK to interrupt colleagues, friends, or your partner. It’s also not an effective communication strategy for getting what you want or for reaching a closer understanding with someone.
Take a break if needed. Take a 15-minute break if your conversation becomes so heated that you or your partner might say something regrettable. Let your partner know you need a break. You could go for a walk or agree to spend a few minutes apart before tackling the subject again.
Ask your partner for help. Make requests in a way that won’t put your partner on the defensive. You could say, “It would mean a lot to me if you could...”
Make time for intimacy of all kinds, including touch. It could be as simple as holding hands or giving a hug.
Helpful things to say when you’re having trouble communicating
A few small changes in what you say can make a big difference in how well you communicate as a couple. Making a request is usually helpful if the tone is not blaming. Here are some ideas using “I” statements:
Instead of saying:
“You never call when you’re going to come home late.”
Try:
“I’d like you to call when you won’t be home so that I can adjust my schedule.”
Instead of saying:
“How many times do I have to ask you to fix that broken step?”
Try:
“I’m worried that someone will trip on the step and get hurt. When do you think you’ll be able to get to this?”
Instead of saying:
“You’re not making any sense.”
Try:
“I don’t understand what you mean. Are you saying that...?”
Instead of saying:
“Don’t expect me to clean the house.”
Try:
“When is a good time for us to talk about cleaning this week?”
One study found that couples who communicate well—no matter how long they’ve been together—are more satisfied with their relationship and have greater sexual satisfaction.
When you are having a communication breakdown
You may want to take some additional steps if you are having a communication breakdown.
Avoid making assumptions. There may be times when you think your partner doesn’t want to talk because they are angry or upset with you. But something may have happened at work or elsewhere, and it may not have anything to do with you. You could ease the situation by making a comment such as, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been quiet. Is something bothering you?”
Consider your partner’s family background. In some families, serious discussions can quickly escalate into major arguments. If this were true in your partner’s family, they may worry that you’ll get angry or even walk out if they speak honestly. You can help by setting a good example. Stay calm and loving even when you disagree.
Remember that some people find it harder than others to open up or talk about feelings. If this is the case for you or your partner, listening without judgment can be very helpful. Always show respect for one another, especially when you disagree.
Consider counselling if you are unable to resolve your differences. If your discussions seem to make things worse instead of better, consider talking to a therapist or couples counsellor. Some couples may need only a few sessions to start seeing improvements in their communication with one another.
Good communication takes skill and practice. But the payoff is worth it. Learning to communicate well is one of the most important things a couple can do.