Your guide to peacekeeping during the festive season
Happy, fun, merry—these are hopefully the words that come to mind when you think of holiday family festivities. But for some, anxiety, dread, and grief pop up instead. When loved ones gather, it isn’t always a picture-perfect holiday.
Whether you’re gearing up for a few disagreements or planning an escape route before you set foot in the door, being prepared is the best way to manage relationships, maintain peace, and take care of yourself. With a bit of planning, some spirit, and a lot of patience, you can better cope with challenging family dynamics over the holidays. You might even enjoy your family time, too!
Know what to expect
Does Aunt Martha always bug you about getting married? Will your brother once again brag about his high-paying job? Plan your response to situations that make you upset. Also, consider ways to manage conflict among other family members. Change the subject, crack a joke, or have your partner step in to cool the situation down if you start to lose control or foresee a big fight. Practice your reactions beforehand with trusted loved ones or rehearse in your head so you’re not taken aback on the big day.
Be realistic
Dreaming about the party going off without a hitch creates expectations that may not be met. Perhaps your kid sister is always gossiping, and your cousins never seem to get along. Why should that change now? Accept your relatives the way they are and explore new strategies to cope with personalities or characteristics that conflict with your own. Play with the kids when adults are too much to handle or find friendly ways to end conversations: “Yes, Louise, I think you are the best cook in the family. Can you pass me some more of that delicious pie?”
Find the spirit
The holiday season is a time for kindness and connection. Do your best to hammer that home. How can you do this? If you feel up to it, try to talk squabbling family members into a truce before the party. Check in with them one-on-one to see how they’re feeling about the event, or give a short speech to remind everyone how much you appreciate having everyone together. Hopefully, this will encourage family members who are usually at odds to stop being at odds and start being nice to each other.
Be inclusive
If some of your loved ones participate in different cultural or religious traditions from you, consider ways you can help them feel included. This could be inviting them to say a prayer, gift-giving, singing songs or playing traditional music, or having a candle-lighting ceremony. Keep in mind, too, that they may prefer to take part in your traditions. If you’re in doubt about what they’re comfortable with, ask!
Share the work
The host faces the added stress of planning and executing an event, including preparing food, cleaning the house, and setting up games. To help ease this burden, pitch in when you can, whether it’s asking ahead of time if you can bring anything, helping to clean up after the meal, or occupying an energetic kid while their parent is busy in the kitchen. If you notice that one person always hosts holiday events, consider taking on the task another year or alternating responsibility.
While our image of the holidays is one of peace, love, and harmony, the reality can be much different. In fact, most families have their fair share of disagreements, especially when they’re all together in one place. Prepare yourself for uncomfortable or irritating situations beforehand, help raise the white flag on any long-standing arguments, and do what you can to pitch in. Then sit back, relax, and enjoy the festivities with the people you love, faults and all.
