Emotional intelligence—the ability to understand emotions—helps us work well with others, cope with life’s demands, reach our goals, and ultimately have a greater level of insight and satisfaction. Research shows that employees high in emotional intelligence are more satisfied with their jobs, more committed to their organisations, and work more collaboratively.
Key features of emotional intelligence include:
Understanding and managing your emotions well at work will help you succeed in any field. That’s especially true in today’s constantly changing and fast-paced workplace. When we manage our emotions, we’re better able to cope with job pressures such as adjusting to a new boss or colleague, working on a team, or handling a conflict with a customer.
The importance of emotional agility
How can you better manage your emotions in the face of stresses and pressures of work? In her book, Emotional Agility, Susan David, PhD argues that being flexible about how you feel and think allows you to choose the best responses for a particular situation. According to David, “Emotionally agile people are dynamic. They demonstrate flexibility in dealing with our fast-changing, complex world.”
David says that the process of developing emotional agility involves four essential steps:
Dealing with hard-to-handle emotions
As we learn to become aware of our own emotions—to face our feelings and thoughts—it helps to understand the wide range of emotions we experience and encounter around us every day. Some emotions present extra challenges.
Here are six emotions along with tips for handling them successfully at work.
Anger. People who don’t know how to manage anger sometimes slam doors and yell. But anger can take many forms, and most are not physical. At work, people often show anger by:
If you’re feeling angry: Try to step back and look at the situation calmly and objectively. If necessary, take a break from the situation to give yourself a chance to cool down. Later, think about what set off your anger and plan ways to deal with this trigger in the future. If anger is something that is causing you problems at work, consider talking to a counsellor.
Fear. Change—and the uncertainties that come with it—may lead to feelings of fear, stress, insecurity, or self-doubt. Changes that may give rise to fear and stress include:
If you’re feeling fearful: Pay attention to how you’re thinking about the situation. Revise distorted thoughts (“I’ll never get used to this new manager”) to make them more accurate (“I’ve adapted to new managers before; I’ll get more comfortable with this one in time”). Try to maintain a flexible attitude and look at change as an opportunity rather than a threat.
Worry. Job pressures and demands may give rise to worry and anxiety. Worrying a lot may make it difficult to concentrate during the day and to fall asleep at night. Nagging worries may also lead to nervousness, irritability, inability to relax, and unexplained aches and pains. Triggers for workplace worries include:
If you’re feeling worried: Take your mind off your concerns by doing something that demands your full attention. This will allow your mind to recharge, and you’ll be able to return to the issue with a fresh lens. Confide in a friend about how you’re feeling—it may help ease your anxiety. If incessant worrying is causing frequent distress or disruption in your life, consult your doctor, a mental health professional, or your assistance programme.
Frustration. A frequent sense of frustration is a familiar feeling in many workplaces. It may contribute to lack of engagement at work. Feelings of frustration may result from:
If you’re feeling frustrated: Ask yourself what is causing your frustration and whether there is anything you can do to make the situation better. Even if the source of your frustration isn’t something you can control, you can still change how you look at it. Are you taking something more personally than you should? Are you overstating the problem or understating your coping abilities? Can you be in control of how much weight you want to give to this problem?
Irritability. While everyone experiences a variety of emotions throughout the day, some people have particularly noticeable changes in mood. They may go from feeling on top of the world to bursting into tears to losing their temper, all in the same day. Typical signs of moodiness include:
If you’re feeling irritable: Get enough sleep and avoid skipping meals. It’s harder to manage your emotions when you’re tired and hungry. Keep a log to help you identify situations that trigger your bad moods. Then plan ways of dealing with these triggers more constructively. For example, you could try to avoid certain topics when talking with a colleague who tends to bring out bad moods.
Down moods. Everyone feels down or discouraged now and then. In some cases, these feelings can be traced to a setback or stressor at work or a problem at home. But in other cases, it may not be possible to pinpoint a specific cause. These are some common signs of a down mood:
If you’re feeling down: Break large tasks into smaller chunks so they don’t feel so overwhelming. Take a quick walk outdoors—and invite a colleague to join you, if possible. Both the physical activity and the social support can give your mood a lift. Try to identify an action, a thought, an object, a place, or a person that has successfully helped you break out of a down mood in the past and try to apply it to your current mood. If a down mood lasts for weeks and causes ongoing problems in your daily life, seek professional help. Reach out to your doctor, a mental health professional, or your assistance programme.
Steps to help boost emotional intelligence
These steps can help you become more aware of your emotions and manage them more effectively:
Recognise your emotions in their early stages, before they feel out of control. This may take practice, but it’s well worth the effort. If you find this difficult, ask a trusted friend or mentor for help learning to recognise and name your feelings, or begin a journal practice where you start to write down situations and how you felt.
Use technology to explore your emotions. Try a mobile app designed to build emotional skills. Or take an online quiz designed to assess your emotional savvy—for example, Greater Good Magazine’s Emotional Intelligence Quiz or GlobaLeadership Foundation’s Emotional Intelligence Test.
Be aware that different cultures and ethnic groups feel and show emotions differently. One group may encourage the open expression of anger, for example, while another may teach members to contain their feelings. Be aware of the norms in your workplace.
Learn to express your emotions in helpful ways. Have strategies for appropriately dealing with difficult feelings in the workplace. The key is to become aware of the cues your body and mind are giving you, and to be intentional about your thoughts and behaviour to help you see a different outcome. For example, if you feel frustrated every time you’re put on hold during phone calls, you could choose to use this time as a chance to collect your thoughts or imagine your next holiday. If you have trouble managing your emotions when talking about difficult subjects, you could pause and take a deep, calming breath before speaking. Pay attention to how you’re feeling as the conversation goes on and take another breather if you need to.
Consider giving appropriate feedback to clear the air. For example, if a colleague has said something offensive in a meeting that’s bothering you, you could decide to talk to the person about it, preferably soon after the event and in private. Be matter of fact and focus on what was said or done and how it made you feel without attacking the person. Remember, even though expressing your emotions can be useful, it’s always important to do so appropriately. It’s never appropriate to shout at or demean others at work.
Think about how you managed a problem in the past. If an event at work—such as a conflict with a colleague or an unusually stressful workload—is triggering an emotional challenge, consider how you overcame a similar problem in the past. What worked? What didn’t? If you have never experienced a similar problem, try to tune in to how this problem is making you feel. Think about whether you’ve ever experienced a similar feeling in the past and try to recall how you managed or resolved that feeling. There may be tools you used in that situation that you could apply to the problem you are currently facing.
Write it down. This can be especially helpful if a problem is keeping you awake at night. If you are having an ongoing conflict with a colleague, you could write: “Every time we talk, even about unimportant things, we end up arguing. Maybe I did something to offend him once but don’t know it. Maybe ask him out for lunch and find out.” Writing things down can help you come up with a plan and then mentally set the problem aside for the night.
Accept your feelings. Not all feelings and emotions need to be analysed or “dealt” with. Some you can just observe, then let them go. Remember, emotions are just energy that moves! Nothing stays the same, not even your emotional state. It will pass and you will be okay.
Build your emotional resilience. Pay attention to your physical and mental wellbeing. Eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Taking good care of your health helps you maintain the energy you need to meet emotional challenges. You’ll be better able to bounce back from setbacks and problems, and you’ll feel more in control of your emotions and your life.
Use your holiday time. Taking time off helps buffer job stress. A holiday can allow you to pull back and gain a fresh perspective on work stress and possible ways to ease it.
Maintain support systems outside of work. Talking about your concerns with your partner or a close friend can reduce your anxiety and help you keep problems in perspective. Choose someone you trust and who knows you well enough to give you honest feedback.
Cultivate interests outside of work, including activities with good friends. Remember, not all satisfaction comes from work accomplishments. Find other ways to define yourself. Socialising with friends and pursuing personal interests and hobbies can relieve stress and improve your mood.
Seek support from your assistance programme. Talking to a professional can help you explore ways to deal with emotional challenges. Take advantage of the information and resources your assistance programme provides.
Learning to manage difficult emotions at work takes effort, but the payoff is huge. By dealing with emotional challenges before they feel overwhelming, you can boost your wellbeing, contribute more to your team, and gain a greater sense of confidence and control.