Building self-esteem in children
One important way that self-esteem in children is nurtured and developed is through their relationships with their parents. Children need lots of love and encouragement in order to grow into healthy, happy adults.
A parent’s role
The most important things in a child's life are feeling safe and secure, being properly fed, and being protected from the elements. It seems simple, but without a sense of security and basic needs being met, a child may become insecure and learn to distrust others. This security extends to how parents treat their children.
Some ways that a child’s self-esteem is nurtured by their parent include:
Touch. Nurturing through touch is essential for a child's healthy development. Touching helps the infant's brain develop by conveying love, care, comfort, support, and nurturing. Many parents are now discovering the positive effects of baby massage. Research shows that massaging increases a child's immune system and makes babies healthier.
Love. Children who are loved will see themselves as lovable. Through verbal expression, nurturing actions, and the joy and pleasure you show your children, love is expressed. Let children know you love them, even during moments of frustration, while still setting firm yet fair boundaries for acceptable behaviour.
Acceptance. A child learns self-acceptance by having their thoughts and feelings accepted by their parents. Listen to and acknowledge your child's nature, temperament, interests, and aspirations. As parents, we may not always agree with our children's outlook or interests, but it's imperative to accept their uniqueness.
Respect. Children who are treated with respect by their parents discover self-respect naturally. “Treat others as you would have them treat you.” This goes for children as well. Set reasonable boundaries, then show them the respect you'd give anyone else. For example, if a child spills a drink, you could say, "Oops, you spilled your drink. Could you please grab a cloth to help clean it up?" rather than, "You are so clumsy!"
Validation. Validation is having your feelings acknowledged and knowing that it is okay to feel happy and to feel sad. It's having our joy and happiness shared with another or receiving empathy when we are sad. Your child wants to be seen, heard, and understood. If a child breaks a toy for example, sharing in the frustration tells them that they are understood.
Helpful praise and criticism. Praise children specifically on their accomplishments instead of making generalised statements. If a sister helps her younger brother with his drawing, praise her with, "That was very nice of you. I'm sure your little brother will learn a lot from you." Just saying, "You're a good girl' is less effective because it doesn't highlight how the actions were beneficial.
Criticism needs to be directed at children's behaviour, never at the child. Give criticism without putting children down. Respecting your children's self-esteem is one of the most important and challenging parts of parenting. They are not a bad child, but what they might have done—for example being too rough with a sibling—may have been hurtful.
Realistic parental expectations. We expect children to learn values and morals of our society and culture. We assume they'll learn and master certain things and eventually become more independent. Children feel more secure when they understand and know what is expected of them. Parental expectations can boost your children's self-esteem if they are realistic, reasonable, and aligned with the child's developmental stage.
By developing an open, honest, and positive relationship with your children that establishes acceptable and respectful behaviour, you can foster relationships that are supportive, loving, and encouraging. Strong relationships are the foundation of self-esteem and can help your children grow into happy, confident adults.
© TELUS Health 2025
Patrick Firth MA, MSW, RSW
Social worker, Senior Clinical Content Writer
