Supporting a colleague through grief

At some time in your work life, it is likely that a colleague will face a significant loss. Though you previously might have thought that it would have little effect on you, if you’re reading this article, chances are good that you’re feeling affected by the experience—and that’s okay.

Changes in your colleague

Coping with the death of a loved one is one of the most common problems affecting workplace performance. When someone you work with goes through a bereavement period, you can expect to see changes in their behaviour including:

• mental lapses
• decreased energy
• difficulty making decisions
• feelings of anxiety or helplessness
• an inability to concentrate
• absenteeism
• social withdrawal
• personal conflict
• bursts of anger
• crying or other unusual workplace behaviour

Sometimes, these changes may start gradually, such as when a person is anticipating the loss before it happens due to illness. At other times, they may not surface straight away but appear months after the loss. This is natural. A “delayed reaction” can be part of the grieving process.

What you might expect from a bereaved colleague

Shock. After the death of a loved one, nature may initially protect people from grief by creating a cocoon of numbness. The full realisation of the loss can come much later.

Denial. Though your colleague may intellectually understand that death has occurred, they might not emotionally accept it. Later, as they begin to feel the reality of the death, they may become more open to talking about their lost loved one.

Withdrawal. When a loved one dies, the wound is deep. Your colleague will probably need time to heal and may seek solitude. This is a healthy and normal part of the healing process.

Anger. This is a common reaction after loss, as having someone or something to blame can help a bereaved individual make sense of their loss. It may be directed at doctors in the case of illness, or another party involved in a fatal accident. If anger is suppressed, it may come bursting out in inappropriate ways, such as increased irritability at others.

Tears. Some people, when they lose someone close to them, are overcome by painful emotions after a loss. A seemingly harmless question or comment may unintentionally trigger a crying episode. Again, this is a common feature of grief.

If your colleague has received news of a personal tragedy, they may spend anywhere from days to weeks away from the workplace. However, there are things you can do to let them know you are thinking of them while also being respectful of their space and healing journey.

Ways to be supportive

Consider the ideas below for how to support your colleague in the immediate aftermath of a loss:

Keep messages to your colleague short and simple. If you reach out by text message or email, say something simple but genuine like, “You and your family have my condolences” or “I’m holding you in my thoughts.” Respect their privacy and don’t push for details. This is not the time to ask what happened. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can let your colleague know that you’re available if and when they would like support.

Refrain from posting anything on social media and use discretion. Remember that social media are public platforms, and privacy is rarely a guarantee. In some instances, extended family members may not yet have been informed of a loved one’s death.

Consider attending the funeral, memorial, or wake. If your colleague has informed your team that there will be an open service and you feel comfortable attending, your show of support for the family can be greatly appreciated. You may also want to coordinate with other colleagues to arrange to attend as a group. Find out through the obituary or by contacting the place of service if sending flowers is culturally appropriate or whether the family has requested something else instead of flowers. Regardless of whether you attend the funeral, send a card or a note within a few days. If you know your colleague well enough, call to see if they have any immediate needs.

Your colleague eventually returning to work does not mean they are no longer grieving. You can continue to show support in the following ways:

Don’t avoid them. Another person’s grief can be uncomfortable to witness but actively avoiding them to “spare their feelings” (or yours) can be a profoundly isolating experience for the bereaved.

Let the person who is grieving lead the conversation. Pretending that nothing has happened or that everything is “back to normal” can also lead to feelings of isolation. Not everyone may be comfortable talking about a personal tragedy, however, you also don’t want to make someone feel as though they are unable to speak about it. During a private moment, try asking in a sincere way, “How are you holding up?” If they quickly move on, don’t bring the conversation back to the loss. This may put them on the spot and force them to speak about emotions they are not comfortable sharing.

Don’t compare your loss to theirs. Everyone grieves differently, and no two situations are the same. Although you may have the best of intentions, it is not usually helpful to tell a long story of how you have overcome losses of your own. Instead, you can briefly let them know that you have also lost someone without going into details, and that you are there for them if they need anything. If they ask how you coped, share what worked for you but acknowledge that everyone experiences loss differently.

Avoid platitudes and assumptions about their beliefs. If you feel compelled to offer comforting words to your colleague, avoid platitudes that often ring hollow or that assume a person’s spiritual beliefs, such as “your loved one is in a better place,” “everything happens for a reason,” or “this was God’s plan.” Go with a simple validation like “losing someone you love is so hard” or reassurance like “let me know how I can help.” If they would rather have space, respect that.

By coming to understand what your colleague might be going through, you can become more empathetic and compassionate toward them.