Improving family communication

• Elements of communication
• Communication don'ts

Communication is a crucial part of creating a supportive and loving family environment. When family members feel they can express their feelings and thoughts openly and honestly, family bonds and mutual respect are strengthened, despite the inevitable disagreements and conflicts.

Effective communication is not as simple as it might seem on the surface. It isn’t always necessary for families to have lengthy discussions. Sometimes they need to communicate more effectively.

Elements of communication

Effective communication is more than talk. It involves really listening and expressing oneself appropriately and honestly.

Listening

Parents can have the greatest impact on their children by how they listen rather than by what they say. Active listening is more than just hearing words. It involves picking up on the underlying emotions and concerns. Here are some ways to make your listening with your partner or children more effective:

Take time to focus. Don't be too busy to listen. Stop what you are doing and give the speaker your undivided attention. Do not let distractions from the TV, phone, or other demands divert your attention. Show your non-verbal support and interest by making eye contact, nodding, or leaning forward while the other person speaks.

Rephrase and ask questions. Being an effective listener means checking your interpretation of what you hear a person say. A good way to do this is to repeat in your own words what the speaker has said. Try putting it into question format so the other person can correct misinterpretation. This shows concern for what the speaker has to say and can clear up misunderstandings or misinterpretations.

Pay attention to non-verbal cues. Not all communication is verbal. Pay attention to facial expressions, body positions, tone of voice, gestures, and mannerisms. When non-verbal messages contradict what is being said, listeners may become confused. If this is the case, ask for clarification.

Practise tolerance and sensitivity. If we are listening effectively, then we will respect what the person is saying even if we disagree with it. Have an open mind and avoid becoming judgmental and defensive. Be aware of not just the words the person is expressin,g but the feelings that are present as well.

Expressing

Not only do family members need to listen effectively, but they also need to express themselves in a way that will not put others on the defensive or escalate conflict. Try some of the recommendations below:

Use "I" messages instead of "you" messages. A "you" message, such as "you always criticise me" is a direct attack. The listener will most likely become defensive and angry. A more effective approach would be to use an "I" message that conveys your feelings without blaming or criticising the listener. Try using this formula: "I feel…when you…". For example, “I feel angry when you leave the room in the middle of a conversation." From that starting point, problem-solving and negotiation can take place.

Pay attention to your non-verbal cues. When expressing yourself, be aware of the messages you are sending through your body language. For example, are you trying to encourage an open conversation with your fists clenched and arms crossed, while avoiding eye contact? Try to ensure that your non-verbal messages align with what you are saying. If they don’t, it may be that there are feelings you are not acknowledging or expressing.

Use self-disclosure. It’s okay to let your spouse/partner or children see your weaknesses. In fact, disclosing our own errors and vulnerabilities often makes it easier for others to relate to us and encourages open communication. Self-disclosure requires trust, but it can be highly rewarding, as it fosters increased intimacy and honesty in our relationships.

Express anger in appropriate ways. Family relationships are emotionally intense. Sometimes intense communication can lead to verbal or even physical abuse. This is never acceptable. Anger is normal and acceptable, but caution must be used in expressing it. If you or a family member are too angry to communicate effectively, take a "time out" and put off the discussion until some of the strong emotions have subsided. This means acknowledging your emotions or those of a family member and asking for a break.

Communication do's

• Set aside some "quality time" each week for family members to talk. This can be as formal as a family meeting or can be worked into dinner time or children’s bedtime. Listen and watch family members for signs that they are ready to talk, even if it’s outside of the regular time.
  
  
• Be a good example to children, your children, in the way you communicate. Children will observe parents expressing anger with verbal aggression or physical attacks, and they are likely to imitate this behaviour. Demonstrate respectful, non-abusive, effective ways of listening and speaking.
  
  
• Discuss values and beliefs regularly and take responsibility for personal thoughts and actions.
  
  
• Use age-appropriate ways of communicating with children. For instance, engage in activities such as playing, drawing, writing, and building with younger children. By being attentive, you will learn to recognise and understand the meaning of your children's activities, facial expressions and body language. Dialogue, problem-solving, and reasoning are effective with older children and adolescents.
  
  
• Practise, practise, practise! Listening and communication skills do not happen overnight.
  
  

Communication don'ts

It’s easy to sabotage communication by falling into old, negative habits. Watch for these common pitfalls:

• Don't interrupt others while they are speaking. If you find this difficult, try this exercise: place a spoon in the centre of the table. Each person picks up the spoon when they want to have their say. No one else is allowed to speak until the person replaces the spoon on the table.
  
  
• Don't use words like "always" or "never" when describing a family member's behaviour. They are just not realistic and only aggravate the other person.
  
  
• Don't think your answer is the only answer. Consider another side of the story.
  
  

• Refrain from shouting, threatening, whining, or making personal attacks or demeaning comments. If the discussion seems too heated, take a break and cool off.

Being part of a family brings special rewards such as friendship, love, and a sense of belonging. Good family relationships are built on strong communication skills and quality time. Reflect on your current communication skills and consider applying some of the techniques mentioned above to enhance them.