You might have heard the term “emotional labour” in the media, but it’s often misunderstood. This article will help you define emotional labour and understand what it might mean to you.
Emotional labour is the idea that people need to manage their emotions, sometimes keeping feelings to themselves in order to conform to society’s standards. For example, a woman may remain silent as she’s being catcalled because she’s worried for her safety. Or a barista may feel he has to smile at a rude customer because it’s part of his job.
Although it can apply to many situations, much of the conversation about emotional labour recently has been about the additional mental strain that household management places on women. Even in instances where a heterosexual couple may split household tasks evenly, some believe that women often carry the additional burden of managing this work.
Examples of emotional labour within families include:
In all of these examples, the person performing these tasks is doing work that takes time, effort, and mental space. Not only can it be mentally exhausting, but it often also goes unrecognised.
This type of work is more commonly associated with women, largely because of prevailing stereotypes that women are meant to be responsible for household matters, are more empathetic, and therefore “better” at this work.
Understanding emotional labour is important to help you negotiate equality in your relationships. Emotional labour often takes the form of “mental load.” If you’re worried about cooking, cleaning, parent-teacher conferences, and a growing to-do list, your mental load may be overwhelming you.
Your partner may sense that you are overloaded and ask what they can do to help. However, this can unintentionally become another way of asking you to perform the emotional labour of delegating tasks.
Becoming overwhelmed by emotional labour can lead to chronic stress and negative health outcomes. Recognising when the load you are taking is too great and proactively addressing any imbalances at home can help reduce stress.
Couples who have a more balanced division of labour are happier than those who don’t. Here are some ideas for correcting the imbalances of emotional labour:
Talk openly about emotional labour. What works for one couple might not work for another. That’s why it’s important to have conversations with your partner about what emotional labour you are both doing to ensure one person is not feeling overburdened.
If your partner comes to you with a complaint that they’re bearing more of the mental load, try not to take it as a personal criticism. Instead, recognise it as an opportunity for relationship growth.
Trust your partner with responsibilities, even when they may do things differently. Let your partner complete all aspects of their responsibilities. If your partner takes on the kids’ doctor’s appointments, allow them to do all parts of this task, including booking the appointments, driving the children there, and following up. Recognise that they may do some tasks differently from you.
Find creative solutions. If cleaning your home is overwhelming and you can afford it, you and your partner might consider hiring a cleaner to come periodically. If paying bills on time requires reminders, set them to autopay.
Check in with your partner regularly. As circumstances change, you might need to reassign labour roles. Situations like the death of a parent, losing your job, or a child leaving for university might mean that you and your partner will need to lean on each other a bit more for support.
When you’re overwhelmed by your mental load and emotional labour, it’s easy to feel alone. But with clear communication and a willingness to collaborate and trust your partner, you can start to lift the load together.