Managing grief: Tips for you and your children

Loss is a part of life. Whether it's a death or devastating diagnosis, difficult situations test us all. The way we experience grief and cope with a loss is different from person to person. But regardless of the response, a loss can make even the most resilient people feel like their world is spiralling out of control.

Although there is no quick fix to help you recover and bounce back, there are ways to deal with the impact of a challenging life event to help you come to terms with your new reality:

Take the time. After a loss, people may not anticipate how long it will take to return to "normal." Respect the need for personal healing time; this is not a step-by-step process, so there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Take things one day at a time and slowly transition back into your daily routine.

Find support. At first, you may find it easier to retreat and hide than to lean on others. When you are ready, reach out to friends and family. Getting help organising the details of a funeral or recruiting a friend to babysit so that you have time to collect your thoughts can be helpful. Friends and family are usually eager to help but may not know how, so don't hesitate to ask. Also, consider joining a support group to connect with people who have dealt with similar situations.

Care for yourself. Take some time to focus on yourself and try to meet your own needs. When others may need your support, it can feel wrong to do self-care, but it can be a helpful tool to help you relax and release all that pent-up tension. Take some time out by getting a massage, walking in nature, or relaxing in a hot bath.

Lean on friends. Make time to spend with close friends who can be that ear you need to vent your grief, fear, and anxiety caused by your distressing news. Your shared experiences with good friends can also make you smile or laugh, even on the darkest days.

Take care. Coping with grief can take a serious physical toll. Look after your body by resting, eating a healthy diet, and staying active. Mind and body are connected; if your body feels good, your mind will be more likely to feel the same.

Write it down. After a loss, it can be challenging to pinpoint precisely what you're feeling. You may experience several feelings simultaneously, and others contradict each other, like sorrow one moment and relief the next. Writing down your thoughts may help you express yourself and understand what you are going through. Try to write precisely what's on your mind without holding back.

Seek professional help. If your grief has become overwhelming, consider connecting with a mental health professional. Signs that it's time for professional support may include prolonged eating or sleeping problems, trouble completing daily activities, severe anxiety, depression, or feelings of worthlessness. While reaching out to a "stranger" can seem daunting, a professional can provide the sounding board, insights and tools you need to move beyond the pain and get on with your life.

Helping kids cope

It is a real challenge to grapple with your emotions while comforting children and understanding their concerns. This is especially important after the loss of a loved one. Children go through a grieving process but often express it differently than adults. If your child isn't specifically talking about their grief with you, they may be expressing feelings of loss and grief. If you see them having:

• stomach aches or headaches
• sleeping problems and nightmares
• appetite issues
• problems at school
• irritability, anger, or aggression
• temper tantrums
• clinginess
• regressing to younger behaviour or trying to act older

If you're worried about how your child is coping, support from a professional can help you work with your child to understand and accept their feelings and find healthier ways to cope.

What you can do

How you help your children work through this loss will depend on their age and life stage. It is also impacted by their development, background, and past experiences with grief. Generally, you should try to:

Be open. Many parents try to protect their kids by leaving them in the dark. While it is understandable not to want your child to be upset, this may make it more difficult for them to process the loss and can cause problems later on. Children need to know what's happening, even if they don't ask—just make sure the information you share is age-appropriate. Find out what they think and feel about the situation, listen carefully to what they have to say, and openly and honestly answer any questions.

Be a role model. Share your grief with your kids and let them know that it's OK to be sad or scared. If you are open with your feelings, they will be more open. At the same time, try to remain in control so they feel safe and supported.

Help them relate. Children's stories, TV programs and films can touch on themes related to your situation. Although relying on these methods alone may not be helpful, they can be a great way to encourage conversation. Attending the memorial service of a loved one who has died or pointing out families who have gone through similar situations can help your children understand and come to terms with their loss.

Stick to a routine. For kids especially, significant changes to routines and schedules can breed uncertainty and anxiety. Try to keep the family's regular living habits as normal as you can, even while coping with the challenges of grief.

Growing up is an ongoing process of change. The support children receive under challenging situations is vital and can be a defining moment in their lives. One that, with your loving support, can help them better cope with life's inevitable good and bad changes.

Moving forwards

Grief and loss caused by the death of a loved one, illness, or another devastating situation can have a significant impact on your mental and physical wellbeing. Your personal experience with grief is unique, and so is how you choose to cope. Some of the suggestions in this article will work better than others for you, so do what feels right for you and your family. While it can take time, energy, and personal struggle, it is possible to come to terms with your emotions.