The big talk: Communicating with adolescents about serious issues

For many parents, the idea of talking to kids about tough issues like sex and drugs may seem more uncomfortable than asking the boss for a raise. You may be tempted to back away from the conversation in the hopes that “they already know most of it anyway.” But unlike other difficult conversations you may avoid having, talking to your kids shouldn’t be put off.

Media influence

Children are growing up faster than ever, and as parents, it can be a daunting challenge to understand what they’re going through. The Internet, TV, media messaging, and other social media are difficult to monitor. Young people are exposed to images and messages their parents would never have seen at their age. While the media machine may seem overwhelming, its daily influence only adds to the importance of talking to your children about big issues.

Young people are understandably unwilling to turn to their parents or guardians for sexual health education. But with the internet delivering “adult only” themes direct to your computer screen; you need to be upfront with your teen about uncomfortable topics and not allow the internet to be their guide. And as adolescents begin to explore their sexuality at a younger and younger age, opening the lines of communication sooner rather than later is vital.

Peer pressure and self-esteem

Adolescence is a difficult time. The pressure to fit in, and the desire to please friends present young people with difficult choices at a time when they are most vulnerable. A healthy self-esteem and a supportive family environment can give young people the solid foundation they need to say “no” to negative outside influences when the pressure is on. As a parent or guardian, you can build a supportive and confidence-boosting home environment by:

Making every moment count. Take the time have chats with your adolescent on a regular basis. You can do this, for example, during the time you spend together in the car – any place will do.

Focusing on the good. Give kids the praise they deserve. Reward good behaviour and don’t dwell on past mistakes. Teens need to know you like them and that even though you may not agree with them all the time, you are on their side. Often this is what gets teens through those difficult years and allows them to develop trusting relationships with their parents.

Staying positive. Try to remember how you saw the world when you were a teen, trying to carve out an identity for yourself. Don’t take your teen’s moods personally and try to remember how difficult it was when you were their age. Instead of getting bogged down by petty arguments, work on reinforcing positive behaviour, and keep your expectations reasonable.

Starting the dialogue

When you feel it’s time to talk to your child about a serious topic, remember that it doesn’t always have to be an awkward “sit down on the couch” type of lecture. Help keep everyone comfortable and open to communication on serious subjects by:

Brushing up on the basics. Do some homework of your own before beginning discussion of a serious subject with your teen. After all, it’s not wise to start a conversation that you can’t finish because you’re not well informed or caught unprepared. Ask a healthcare professional or counsellor for some resources. Then, if your child is reluctant to talk, you will still have something to offer them. Be sure to remind them that you are there to help and to answer questions.

Keeping it age-appropriate. Different ages and stages require a different approach, so be sensitive to the issues that are relevant to your child now. Ask kids questions to determine how much they already know and if the information they have is accurate.

Creating time to talk. Talking about important issues with your teen can take place anywhere. Begin a conversation when you have a moment alone. Use your time as “chauffeur” to its full advantage. Ask adolescents about their day while driving to football practice or bring up a story you read in the paper on your way to the supermarket.

Don’t leave them hanging. After talking to kids about important issues, make sure you clearly communicate acceptable boundaries or limits. If, for example, you have set guidelines for safe internet use, write them down and stick them on the fridge. Remember to communicate why these guidelines are important.

Talk tips

It’s easy to walk into a conversation about a serious subject with good intentions and walk out feeling like you’ve just made the situation worse. Keep these tips in mind when communicating with your adolescent about tough topics:

Focus. Give your undivided attention to kids when they need to talk. Turn off the radio, TV, or smart device, look them in the eyes and listen. If the lines of communication are already open, your teen will be more likely to turn to you—and not somebody else—when problems arise.

Keep your cool. When touchy issues arise, such as dating or curfews, it can be easy to lose your cool. Try to maintain your calm and look at things from your teen’s perspective. Avoid lecturing, but remember that you are ultimately responsible for setting the guidelines for your child’s behaviour.

Mind your manners. Would you listen to someone who laughed at your ideas, or who wouldn’t let you finish a sentence? Talk to teens the way you’d like to be spoken to, and remember to act as a parent.

Choose your battles. Adolescence is a time when youths develop a greater sense of independence and self-identity, so choose your battles wisely. Be open minded about smaller issues, such as fashion differences or music preferences, but remain firm on issues such as drug use and alcohol. If your child feels like you are critical or judgemental, they may not confide in you when coping with a more serious problem.

Agree to disagree. You don’t always have to agree with the viewpoints your kids are expressing but respecting their ideas will create a safe place for them to share their feelings openly without fear of judgment.

Raising adolescents can seem like an overwhelming, exasperating, and thankless job at times. You may not always feel comfortable broaching serious subjects during this challenging time, but it’s worth it. Helping kids deal with difficult choices now is an investment in their future. Remember you are not alone; many parents struggle with bringing up children and developing a balance between enforced boundaries and supporting them as they forge their own independent identity in a move towards adulthood. By staying focused, supportive, and positive you’ll help children to stay level-headed and safely ride out the often-bumpy road of the teen years.